By Chris Seah
Marriage is hard work. When two sinners come together in matrimony, they bring their flaws with them. And when the initial romantic feelings die down, replaced by the tedium of daily life, the friction of two different personalities living in such close proximity can be hard to take.
But the Christian marriage has a secret power. When two believers are united under the Gospel, they have resources available to them that other marriages do not. The greatest resource is Christ and His forgiveness. This is the common treasure that two believers bring into the marriage. It is also the common ground on which the marriage is built. When two people are aware that the Creator God Himself does not hold their sins against them but instead always cares deeply for them, they are set free to forgive each other—and stay true to their marriage covenant.
Of course, forgiveness is not what we would like to hear. It sounds too weak. It risks turning us into doormats. Justice is more fair, more macho. Voices in the world train us to be alert to when the other partner is not upholding his or her end of the contract. And to be sure, there are things that both parties owe one another. In Ephesians 5, Paul is emphatic that wives are to submit to their own husbands “as to the Lord” (v. 22) and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved His church (v. 25). Both are tall orders. And when the days get long, and the dishes start piling up in the sink, and the cutting remarks become more frequent, it is very tempting for both parties to turn this text into a stick to beat each other up. Wife: “Why should I submit to you? You need to work harder to deserve my respect.” Husband: “Why should I love you like I used to? You don’t give me the respect that I need. Don’t you know men need respect?”
But there is another way. Before Paul gets to what husbands and wives owe one another in Ephesians 5, he says this in Ephesians 4: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (v. 32). Those words are addressed to all Christians. They are the baseline of Christian relationships, including marriage. Since God in Christ has forgiven all our shortcomings, all our repeat offences, shouldn’t we be a lot more generous to our spouses? Shouldn’t we be quick to cut them some slack? Christian wife, your husband might not be deserving of your respect of late. But forgive him as God forgave you. Submit to him anyway. Christian husband, your wife might not be giving you the respect that you think you deserve. But forgive her as God forgave you. Love her anyway.
As we practice forgiveness, it dawns on us that God has bigger plans for our marriages than vague dreams of happiness. He wants us to be channels of His Christ-filled Gospel to one another. He wants husband and wife to help each other abide in the faith of Jesus Christ. Marriage under the Gospel is about much more than just physical intimacy or child-bearing. It is about preserving a little home for Christ in a dark world. The many disappointments that fill our marriages are not a waste. God wants to use us—Christian husbands, Christian wives—to be bearers of His grace and mercy to our flawed spouses. God has forgiven us. Now we do the same.
